CHAOS THEORY (02) – Meet The Team!

An Evil Lord’s Guide to Fumbbling Around In The Darkness

UNDERLEAGUE ATHLETICAL – MEET THE TEAM

The UA is formed from the remnants of several Chaos Warbands that all but perished in the Northern wastes before being led by flickering lights and chirping daemons into a subterreanean realm where a long-lost Blood Bowl team’s training headquarters was discovered. Finding sanctuary and purpose here, the team gradually formed itself into the formidable presence it is today…

THE BEST

No. 4 – OZIL the UNSCARRED – Dark Elf

Consistently voted the sexiest member of the UA squad in the fanzine’s annual survey,* Ozil takes extraordinary pride in his unblemished beauty. He goes to extreme lengths to avoid injury, turning his Elven agility as much towards avoiding punches as to scoring touchdowns, and wimping out at the slightest twinge or graze, but nobody blames him because they all love him so much.

* Ozil has always enjoyed near-total dominance in the polls, with all but one reader voting for him every year. The Runner up therefore, with a consistent single vote each year, is, disturbingly, Banjax. Because the survey is anonymous, the fanzine’s publishing team have not been able to determine which of their readers is such a colossal pervert as to consider a hideous troll their dreamboat pinup…

PLAYER FACTSHEET:
MA 6
ST 3
AG 4
AV 8
Injuries: Niggling Injury
Skills: Dodge, Side Step, Wrestle
Caps: 30
Completions: 9
Touchdowns: 13
Interceptions: 5
Casualties: 1
MVP: 2
SPP: 34
Player Value: 130,000 GP

No. 5 – RUNCIBLE the ONCE-DIGESTED – Goblin

Runcible the Untamed discovered his most important mutation in the most ignominious of ways. Ever since being fished out of the trolls’ latrine at the team dugout, he has attempted to style himself as Runcible the Everliving. Most commentators, fans, and even his renewed team contract now address him as Runcible the Once-Digested, and, although nobody will go on record to say this, virtually everybody is anticipating the day that he will become known as Runcible the Twice (or more!) -Digested. Everyone, that is, except for the janitor, who dreads ever having to return to the exclusion zone surrounding the garderobe used by the trolls.

PLAYER FACTSHEET:
MA 6
ST 2
AG 3
AV 7
Skills: Big Hand, Sure Hands, Two Heads
Caps: 32
Completions: 3
Touchdowns: 6
Interceptions: 0
Casualties: 1
MVP: 3
SPP: 38
Player Value: 110,000 GP

No. 8 – FRANKLIN HAMMERHANDS – Marauder Thrower

A relatively recent recruit to the UA, Franklin has shown his mettle as a long-distance passing player. He has already built partnerships with Ozil and Timothy, not racking up many completions in terms of straight numbers, but making it count where it matters.

PLAYER FACTSHEET:
MA 6
ST 3
AG 3
AV 8
Skills: Accurate, Pass, Strong Arm
Caps: 12
Completions: 5
Touchdowns: 2
Interceptions: 0
Casualties: 1
MVP: 4
SPP: 33
Player Value: 110,000 GP

No. 11 – TIMOTHY of the EAGLE-EYES – Marauder

Timothy used to play for a High Elves team, but was bitten by a werewolf during a friendly match against a Necromantic team. As he began to sprout hair from all sorts of unsightly places, the Elven apothecaries desperately tried to reverse the effects of his Lycanthropy. They were able to halt the degeneration, but could not make Timothy smooth and hairless again, no matter how hard they tried. Timothy was rejected by the High Elf fans, unable to embrace a hideous beast like him as one of their own, despite the enhanced abilities that he gained from his curse.

Retiring from the team, Timothy found great success on the open market, before finding himself hired by the UA on an initially temporary contract. While running with the Pact, Timothy discovered a previously unknown evil streak which has served him in very good stead. Fans of the UA all agree that since his arrival on the team, they have enjoyed the presence of a dependable all-rounder who can get himself into all sorts of impossible places in order to threaten the ball, sneak in a cheeky score, or put the hurt onto a weak positional player. Despite his ludicrously high salary, the UA management and fanbase wouldn’t see him leave the team for the world.

PLAYER FACTSHEET:
MA 6
ST 3
AG 5
AV 8
Skills: Block, Dodge
Caps: 29
Completions: 9
Touchdowns: 11
Interceptions: 0
Casualties: 1
MVP: 3
SPP: 59
Player Value: 180,000 GP

No. 13 – SYLVIA THUNDERTHIGHS – Marauder Blitzer

If you can draw your eyes away from her vicious clawed hand, Sylvia’s impressive physique will leave you breathless/intimidated in equal measure. A UA stalwart, Sylvia has fully embraced her role as the team’s killer. With the guarding assistance of the team’s other big hitters, she has been able to carve up threatening opposition players with ease.

A former smallholding farmer from the northern reaches of Kislev, Sylvia was left homeless and without community following the rampaging Chaos hordes from the wastes. With little option for livelihood, she signed on to a passing amateur Blood Bowl team, and developed a stunning technique for breaking bones in high impact blocks. As her commitment to the Ruinous Powers has deepened, she has been blessed with a set of wicked claws on her hitting hand, giving her a reliable role as a tin-can opener when the UA faces off against heavily armoured teams.

PLAYER FACTSHEET:
MA 6
ST 3
AG 3
AV 8
Skills: Block, Claw, Mighty Blow, Tackle
Caps: 28
Completions: 1
Touchdowns: 0
Interceptions: 0
Casualties: 14
MVP: 5
SPP: 54
Player Value: 130,000 GP

THE BEAST

No 1. – REMINGTON – Minotaur

Nobody has yet had time to get to know Remington, the newest and youngest member of the team. Frankly, the fanbase is still too cut up about the death of Tauri Amos, the team’s previous Minotaur, at the hands of a Skaven blitzer. Tauri’s loss left an enormous hole in the team’s frontline, and the management prioritised hiring a replacement quickly over selecting for talent. Nevertheless, everybody hopes that Remington may yet prove himself a worthy replacement.

PLAYER FACTSHEET:
MA 5
ST 5
AG 2
AV 8
Caps: 0
Completions: 0
Touchdowns: 0
Interceptions: 0
Casualties: 0
MVP: 0
SPP: 0
Player Value: 150,000 GP

No 2. – BANJAX – Troll

In addition to being consistently voted the team’s second sexiest player, Banjax enjoys a lucrative sponsorship deal with Steinz, the well-known condiments and preserved food manufacturer. Banjax’s ability to eat absolutely anything regardless of toxicity or edibility has enabled them to use him as a poster-boy for all of their most outlandish foodstuffs.

Banjax makes no secret about his desire to fulfil the fans’ hidden hope for Runcible to become the Twice-Digested. If the goblin gets within grabbing range, Banjax lurches a big hand in his direction, never quite yet making contact. Everybody laughs at this. Everyone, that is, except for Banjax and Runcible.

PLAYER FACTSHEET:
MA 4
ST 5
AG 1
AV 9
Skills: Break Tackle, Guard, Stand Firm
Caps: 29
Completions: 0
Touchdowns: 0
Interceptions: 0
Casualties: 6
MVP: 4
SPP: 32
Player Value: 170,000 GP

No 3. – TARBROCK – Ogre

Tarbrock the Ogre, despite only being on the squad for a handful of games, has quickly filled a role as the ‘mother’ of the team, having a kind and caring disposition even though everyone she cares for is an evil and wretched slave to darkness. Needless to say her self-appointed caring duties are not particularly appreciated by her team-mates (at least not publicly – rumour has it that her changing room door is frequented most days by hooded sobbing figures who are seeking forgiveness for heinous crimes committed in the name of Chaos.

PLAYER FACTSHEET:
MA 5
ST 5
AG 2
AV 9
Skills: Guard
Caps: 5
Completions: 0
Touchdowns: 0
Interceptions: 0
Casualties: 3
MVP: 0
SPP: 6
Player Value: 160,000 GP

THE REST

No. 6 – ALBERT GROTTYFIRE – Marauder

Albert’s bum leg means he’ll never be a contender for fastest player, but he takes punches to the face with admirable determination and aplomb.

No. 7 – QUEEQUEG – Skaven

The vicious and nippy rat-man has yet to distinguish himself on the team. Many hope that his fast pace will result in him developing into a scoring threat or back-field safety player to be celebrated down the ages.

No. 9 – HATEFUL ELWYNNE – Marauder

Elwynne is extremely talented at hitting those she hates, which is everyone and everything.

No. 10 – DAWKINS the SKEPTIC – Marauder

With a personality that does not, initially, seem an obvious fit for the rabid violence of the UA, the bookish, rational Dawkins is in fact completely at home here. His devotional skepticism and hatred for God has led him to embrace Chaos as the ultimate expression of unfeeling entropy and anarchy which underpins his beliefs in a deterministic universe devoid of meaning or love.

No. 12 – MARGOT DJOLGAR – Marauder Blitzer

Margot really deserves a place in ‘The Best’ list above, as she’s developing her fighting skills almost to match those of Sylvia. Many are the fans who cheer louder for her as she charges onto the field, enjoying the rising star of new talent more than the dependable yet slightly stale Run-Punch-Run-Punch of Sylvia’s undeniably effective formula. Margot’s place in the UA Hall Of Fame must be coming soon…

NEXT UP: FUMBBL Cup Round 1!