How to Pet Everything: Goonhammer’s Best Friends

Hey it’s Summer. I’ve got good news for you: cute animals.

Regular readers may be familiar with How to Paint Everything, Goonhammer’s regular painting guides. We even ran a Pets of Warhammer special once about painting critters and creatures. What most readers don’t know is that Goonhammer’s Discord has an entire channel dedicated to animal cuteposting. Fine people at the $5 Patreon tier get Discord access and are able to see a live feed of Goonhammer pets and post their own.

That channel is appropriately titled how-to-pet-everything, and is the subject of today’s post. I mean, I’m supposed to use this slot to promote Goonhammer’s Patreon and raise funds for author payouts and website upkeep. But I also get to exercise discretion so we’re gonna have a pet show. No prizes or judging – just adorableness.

How to Pet Everything

Tau (top), Tyrah (bottom). From Vre’Kais

Vre’Kais’ wife named their cats. Tyrah is named for the Tyranids and Tau is clearly named for an obscure Khornate cult.

Faye has a favourite spot. By GoodbyetoaShoe

Faye is a good baby who naps perches on her favourite couch spot most of the time. Her coat has a lovely sheen, and her head is filled with happy dreams.

Astarte suspects you of heresy. By Trazyn’s Gift Shop Worker

Astarte was adopted from a trash can by Trazyn’s Gift Shop Worker. It’s a miracle that Trazyn let them keep the little rascal, but here we are.

Astarte in a fluffy bed. By Trazyn’s Gift Shop Worker

Echo is a fluffy and photogenic baby, from ToadChild

Echo will have you know that she is a lady and would like to be treated as such. She is apparently the loveliest, softest creature except when she’s SCREAMING.

Echo noms her feets. From ToadChild

Echo is curious. From ToadChild

Lena smiles at the dreaded outside. From Jake

Lena (may she rest in peace) was a delightful dog. Towards the end of her life, she was blind. Not to be daunted by this, she left noseprints on walls across the house while she navigated.

Lena in watercolour. From Jake

Lena, a happy dog. From Jake

Simba activating food mode. From Ian, Masshole-in-Chief

Simba draws his ancestry from vultures, being an expert scavenger. He possesses a single brain cell and its activation is visible in his body language.

Simba. From Ian, Masshole-in-Chief

Dylan (a perfectly regular-sized cat) from SoylentRobot

I was told that Dylan is a regular-sized cat, but quite furry. I have yet to verify this and I am skeptical.

Dylan (and Dylan’s tail). From SoylentRobot

Dylan (stealth mode). From SoylentRobot

Finn (doggie daycare class president). From Jake

Finn is a cheerful and good dog with numerous accomplishments like being president of his doggie daycare and loving his favourite pickle toy. Good job, you handsome devil.

Finn (ft. favourite pickle toy). From Jake

Finn has heterochromia. From Jake

Teddy (left), Zoey (right). From Lahsbee

The Lahsbee household possesses numerous cats, two of which are snuggling above.

George being a snugglebug. From Lahsbee

George is the resident flufflebutt.

Benji (in a box). From Lahsbee

Benji has claimed this box. Trespassers will be scratched.

Nigel. From Lahsbee

Nigel enjoys soaking up sunlight. Cats ordinarily love to keep warm.

Oliver. From Lahsbee

Oliver poses for a picture. I couldn’t identify the toy, so tell me in the comments what it looks like!

Pebbles. From Malediction

Pebbles is a ruthlessly photogenic little sweetheart and would like to nap now, thanks.


So um, yeah.

A big thanks to all of the darling people on Discord who answered my call to participate in this silliness. If you’re on our Discord, that means you’re doing more than your bit to make Goonhammer the great site it is. If you’re not on Discord and want to see the real time version of How to Pet Everything, then please pick up our Patreon at the five buck level. We’ll attend to you in no time whatsoever so that you too can join the finest channel in wargaming.

Have any questions or feedback? Drop us a note in the comments below or email us at