I Will Play All Of My Games Under A Hood, To Hide My Shame From God

Well, well, well. Here we go again. Am I going to do this every time one of my armies is updated? Reader, I am.

My previous reign of terror was short-lived, to the point of never technically materializing, and I expect this one to meet a similar end. For one, it turns out I’m still not very good at this, and my performance at events was literally as bad as it could possibly have been. The other reason, as ever, was Elves. Dark Angels were followed by Drukhari, and I expect T’au to be consumed body and soul by Craftworlds when those come out. In the meantime though, buddy, pal, I am excited to unapologetically railgun my way to victory as hard as I can.

I don’t know what else to say here that I didn’t say last time around. The book looks good, and it looks fun. Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and play Tau. Fuckin…yeah? Why would I not? Despite the memetic surface-level read, the Tau are not actually communists, but they still seem pretty cool otherwise. I don’t have some weird attachment to honorably piloting a garbage codex down a mineshaft for the rest of my life. I’m sure some people do, and more power to them for it, but shamelessly chasing wins by codex-hopping is equally valid.

Tau Hammerhead Gunship
Tau Hammerhead Gunship. Credit: Jack Hunter

I mean look at this book. Look at it. If I have a problem with it, it’s in trying to jam the busted shit I want, all of the truly obscene models that I need to see in action, into a single 2000 point list. I heard the voice of Aun’shi say, “come and see”. And I looked, and beheld a pale codex: and his name that sat on him was Commander Farsight, and Railguns followed with him. Ghostkeels can mount a 36″ gun and can’t be shot at from more than 18″ away. It basically hits like a Redemptor, and is “pretty good”: I will be running two. A unit of 3 triple plasma Crisis Suits is basically the same as a unit of 10 heavy Hellblasters, but they get a 4+ invuln and can deep strike, at half the price. It rules. Hell, Stormsurges are probably worth taking now. With a slight cut to the base price and massive decreases to the most popular options, along with a truly ridiculous buff to the main gun, I think a full detachment of 3 of the big boys might worth considering.

I am preparing to put shields on everything. Now that it doesn’t cost a weapon slot on crisis suits, I can kit them out for maximum gank and still tank. A 4W iridium suit with countermeasures and a shield is a true mother fucker of a nut to crack. Sucks that it can’t be used on Broadsides, but check it out: you can just hide them. There is the small issue of terrain to worry about in regards to hindering their oppressive shooting output, but now that basically any robot can either Kool-Aid Man through, or jump jet over, walls I’m less worried. A 75-point 8W heavy rail rifle that can bust through walls. This book, it’s good. 

Here’s a fun little trick that shouldn’t be allowed but is: Longstrike is eligible to be bodyguarded by Crisis Bodyguards. The rail gun looks insane, but it’s not half as insane as this. Longstrike with an Ion Cannon and 16 burst cannon shots can float around obliterating multiple units a turn while being immune to shooting. Maybe this is my Ravenwing roots showing, but I can’t wait to use The Big Talonmaster. It’s abusive as hell and going to get FAQed away soon, but I’m absolutely about this bullshit until then. 

Maybe you do not want to play against Tau. I do not care. This isn’t about you. Anyone who thinks I give a shit has got another thing coming. Oh, you think they look stupid? Buddy they aren’t even the most anime army: need i remind you of Eldar. It’s easy mode? I remain wholly uninterested in complaints of this nature. If putting holes in things before they get a chance to punch me to death isn’t fun for the other player, that’s their problem. I encourage – nay, demand – all Tau players to be as obnoxious as they feel necessary while stunting on the haters. Fuck ‘em.

Tau Army
Tau Army. Credit: Jack Hunter

I suspect a lot of people are going to jump on the Tau bandwagon – if the hobby channel over on the Goonhammer Discord is any indication, the typical RTT is going to be 60% Tau armies. It is valid and correct for them to do so. An army of robots going apeshit with gatling guns is extremely bad ass, and I welcome any and all players to get in on this action. Let us all come together, and revel in the power of a Gundam.

So that’s where we’re at: another premature declaration of war on the entire community from a player that empirically cannot play the game. One day I’m going to eat my words, but until then you can all go to hell. I’m not sorry.

Hell yeah.


Editor’s Note: At the time of this publishing Greg has, in fact, already won a game with the new T’au Codex. God help us all.

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