We are once again gathered here to day to deliver answers to your questions, dear readers, in the weekly advice column Mayday, Miss Marcy! where I take your questions, consider them amongst a council of Marcys, and then deliver the answer via white smoke–wait, no, that’s how Popes are chosen. Anyway, we are once again here to dole out three answers to three questions, no more, no less (although actually there is a fourth non-question this week), for your reading, entertainment, and possible enlightenment! Last week, we dealt with a few heavy and interwoven questions about self-worth and finding space in the hobby for you, which I suggest you read if you haven’t had a chance yet and need some affirmation.
As a weekly reminder, this column can only exist due to questions submitted by readers like yourselves, and we have multiple ways to do that, as noted in the blurb below:
Are you interested in having your questions answered in this column? Well, have I got news for you: You can indeed do that, by following the directions below:
Marcy@goonhammer.com
With the subject “Miss Marcy: ”
You are also able to leave comments on the article, as well as use the Discord bot command if you happen to be a member, meaning you now have THREE ways to give me your questions to answer!
And now, on to the questions!
With Allies Like This, Who Needs an Axis?
Miss Marcy,
After seeing your questions last week, I had to bring up something that has been bothering me. my gaming club is a pretty inclusive space and we do very well with making people feel welcome; after all, I like to be there and I’m a trans woman, so something is working right.
However, one of our regulars has recently been rubbing me the wrong way and I’m not sure how to address it. He’s fairly affable, but gives off extremely heavy “ally” vibes. I say this because lately he gets snippy and aggressive when questioned by me and the other women in the group, but if called out on it often just says he was “only kidding” or “in the heat of the moment.”
I’m a little afraid of bringing this up to what I would consider group “elders”, because he’s generally pretty well liked and I feel a little awkward about putting him on blast, and thus myself in a spotlight. Should I try talking to him, let it go, or make it someone else’s problem?
Perplexed in Peoria.
Dear Perplexed,
Are you me?
Anyway, jokes aside, we can at least bond over the frustrating shared trans existence of capital A Allies. In many ways, it may just be that you are overly sensitive to the way he acts because you think it feels targeted at you because of who you are; however, I think that based on your statements, you’re saying he acts like this to other women as well. While you didn’t specify if the other women are trans or cis, I think it is fair to say that if you are noticing his behavior trends that way to women and not to the men in the group, then it is unlikely to be just you, and it is also unlikely to be addressed without some form of moderation.
There is also the uncomfortable reality that he may not even be aware that he is behaving that way, speaking to subconscious misogyny; since you likely never see this guy aside from game night, it really is hard to say how he acts with other women or marginalized people, but there is some potential there for at least pattern recognition. I would say that, if you haven’t already, you may want to talk to the other women in your group and see if they are feeling similarly attacked or targeted. You do mention that if people call him on it he hand waves it as baby raging, but he keeps doing it. Once you have perhaps spoken to other members, I would actually suggest that you talk to the people you mention as “elders”, who I suspect are the people that organize gaming night or local play.
I do want to urge caution that your goal is probably not to get the man barred from the group, but you all also deserve to play in a space that is meant to be safe and welcoming without someone who takes a bad dice roll as an excuse to be aggressive towards women. Once you’ve had a talk with organizers, I would let them handle it; if they fail to handle it, then you have a bigger problem. And if the man apologizes or changes his behavior, great. If he never shows up again, also great, because it meant you were being used for target practice, essentially.
Do You Have a Pamphlet I Can Read?
Dear Miss Marcy,
I’m pretty new to Warhammer, and I have found a lot of the lore discussions confusing and frankly kind of tiring. People often send me hour long videos, wikis, and even your website, but after a while i just don’t find it either very interesting or concise.
I’m worried that I’m ‘doing it wrong’ when it comes to the hobby. I really like the game, I like painting, and I like thinking up stories for my soldiers and stuff, but I just don’t think years of fluff lore is for me.
Lore Lazy.
Dear Lore,
I suppose I would be remiss in not mentioning that we do indeed have an entire article series devoted to Lore, the Lore Explainer, but I think I actually understand what you are asking, and the short answer is no, you aren’t doing anything wrong. Smarmy jokes about how people don’t understand or get the lore anyway aside, the hobby is what you get out of it and what you want to bring to it. No one should be heckling you for not ingesting 30+ years of fairly minimally important lore to play a game for a few hours or paint a model you like. While even the most “forward” gaming spaces will say they are against Gatekeeping, this same spaces will almost always descend upon new or less interested group members who do not share a zeal for knowing specific characters who appeared once in a novel twenty years ago or the exact chronology of the Horus Heresy.
If you don’t care about lore, you don’t care about lore. That’s just the way it is. There’s not really anything you can do to force yourself to care about it, and honestly the more people push you to care, the less you are going to care, because that’s just how psychology works. I would tell people ‘thanks’ if they send you stuff just purely out of their own interest, but if people are instead forcing things on you or saying you HAVE to read or watch something, politely just say no. If they continue, you can be less polite. But just be sure you are measuring the difference between people who are interested and sharing their interest with you versus people who are playing intellectual hobby purity tests with you and the fact that you not only don’t know what happened during some war on Cadia but also don’t care.
Keep in mind that the hobby is for you to have fun with, and if you are having fun, that’s all you need to keep doing. If you having fun makes other people mad because you aren’t having fun the way they have fun, then those people can suck wind.
Are You Having Fun? Am I Having Fun? What IS Fun?
Dear miss Marcy,
I don’t actually know if this is a question exactly, but i am hoping for your insight. recently someone at my lgs and i have started playing a lot of games of 40k together, more than we were playing with other people. we both get along very well, we like to talk to one another and we can talk for hours about things.
however, when we do actually play, it seems like we are not having fun. we have fun doing everything but actually playing the game, to the point that i’m worried we will stop getting along if we keep playing.
No Fun Nowhere.
Dear No Fun,
I don’t mean to alarm you, but you two have crushes on one another that the ponderous and finicky game of 40k is getting in the way of.
Before someone accuses me of saying that two people enjoying each other’s company doesn’t have to be romantic, I didn’t say that. I said you two have a crush on one another. Crushes can be platonic and aromantic; this is how people get best friends. (Also aromantic people can get crushes on other people.)
Anyway, what has happened is that you and person B have really hit things off with one another, and you are obviously riding the high of talking and spending time with one another. You share reciprocal energy that feeds into the energy and excitement, and I may take a guess that going to the LGS is the only current time in which you two meet. It may even add to the electricity of the moment, because it is a neutral, scheduled time in which other aspects of your lives are left on the side and you are “gaming” with your crush.
The problem, though, is the game itself.
We can be honest: miniature war games can take up a lot of time and not always be a lot of fun. The thing that happened is that because you two are always talking to and gravitating towards one another, you’ve somewhat accidentally self-isolated from the other people at the LGS, and the actual act of playing the game is a mechanical aspect of the exchange that you (and person B) are not exactly excited by. You are playing because you think you have to, and you are playing together because you want to spend time with each other, and these two things aren’t compatible.
There are of course other aspects of this that are going to caution me from saying you two should go grab coffee instead of attending the LGS events. Since you don’t really express how much about one another you know, there really is the chance that you may break the spell by removing the neutral ground of the LGS. What I will suggest, though, is trying to ascertain what it is about playing that is making things feel less fun. Is it the playing itself getting in the way of talking because you aren’t able to just talk? Is it that one of you is more skilled than the other and thus one person is really not having ‘fun’ playing while having fun socializing? I would suggest trying to get more into the orbit of your LGS and see about playing with other people and discover if your problem is that maybe you just aren’t having fun with the game, rather than worrying its something between you two.
It does sound like you two have a very strong and wonderful connection, and I want to encourage that you chase it, even if it means you have to stop playing 40k together to enjoy it the most. Maybe you can catch up after you play a game or two with other people and just hang out, or maybe you can discover what is really going on. I think the fact that you are asking me for advice signals you know something is wrong, now you just have to figure out what it is, but know that is isn’t the connection with the other person!
Extra: Reader Feedback
This email was sent to me by a previous reader, and I wanted to highlight their feedback and also offer a few thoughts before wrapping up today:
When I contacted you sometime back, my question was somewhat tongue in cheek regarding Super Heavy Tanks.
I have noticed recently that a lot of your articles are very serious and in many ways sad.
Reading these has been difficult but good.
I have only ever judged a person on how they are with me. If they were unpleasant, arrogant, or just obnoxious I would have nothing to do with them.
I have never judged someone based on their religion, sexuality, race or anything else like that and I can’t understand why that would happen.
I’m 62 now, white, Caucasian and heterosexual yet none of that defines me. It’s how I treat others that matters.
Respect, kindness, tolerance, understanding the list is much longer.
It’s very depressing to hear all these sad tales, but they should be told I know, otherwise this abuse will continue unabated and that is not acceptable.
Having lived all over the world, and married an African lady, I find the UK and the U.S. are becoming far less tolerant than the very countries we have, in the past, judged and/or condemned, for these very same attitudes.
Thank you for highlighting these issues and ensuring a message is going out there that any form of prejudice or abuse can never be tolerated.
Tango Charlie foxtrot
Dear Tango,
I really do appreciate feedback like this. There are times when I wonder if the heaviness of the column depresses people or makes it less “fun”, because the original idea of the column was to act as a sort of tongue in cheek hobby focused Dear Abby, Miss Manners, or Agony Aunt. What I didn’t expect was a fairly steady stream of questions and messages from disabused people looking to be seen and heard, and I am glad that this has become a place where those people feel comfortable speaking up.
I do agree that there really shouldn’t be much else to interactions than if you and another get along. I tell people all the time that it’s quite fine if you don’t like me because our personalities clash, because that’s something that can be managed or avoided. But the idea of running people out of places or making people uncomfortable because of who they are is not only becoming increasingly common, it feels as though it is indeed on the rise in most places.
I appreciate you sharing your story and a bit about yourself, and it really is heartening to hear from someone who is in the majority throw in with those of us who aren’t. I’m glad you enjoy what the article does and I hope the perspectives have helped you and others.
Although, be more careful with those super heavy tanks, yeah?
Have any questions or feedback? Drop us a note in the comments below or email us at contact@goonhammer.com. Want articles like this linked in your inbox every Monday morning? Sign up for our newsletter. And don’t forget that you can support us on Patreon for backer rewards like early video content, Administratum access, an ad-free experience on our website and more.
