These Swords Own: By Coda.

An article by    Humor        0

Hello Reader!

As we have previously covered, I’m usurping the entire website from The False Admins.

But what to post? I need something groundbreakingly good and also unbelievably cool. I needed to do research.

To do this research I went out and consumed every 40k blog known to man and fed that information into the BLOGATRON 9000, a robot created solely to make VIRAL content. It concluded that people love to click on TOP 10 LISTS about THINGS in SETTING.

So in this article we are going to look at the top <NUMBER THAT I REVIEW UNTIL I GET BORED> SWORDS in 40k.

Regular Swords:

Steelheart's Champions Credit: Alfredo Ramirez

Steelheart’s Champions. Note that the leader has a sword, while the not-leaders have hammers. Critical stuff there. Credit: Alfredo Ramirez

Pretty cool. They are swords and swords are cool and also rather good.

Good Rating: 10
Cool Rating: 10
Combined Score: 20/10. Fantastic.

Power Swords:

Sword of Davion Space Marine Tactical Squad Veteran Sergeant

COOL. Painted by Tyler “Coda” Moore

 

Everyone knows that power swords fuckin’ own. Note the fact the are swords, which we have just established are Cool and also Very Good. They combine this core ingredient energy fields and lots of “FWOOSH” sounds. Power swords are so incredibly cool they were able to single-handed carry an entire 9-movie franchise about dull space wizards that don’t fuck. Combine those dinky lightsabers with real swords and you get something not only cool and good but also RAD. Everyone that is cool in 40k gets the option to have a Power Sword or some other, lesser non sword weapon.

Power Swords generate a field of pure “get rekt scrub” energy around them. Sometimes this looks like lightning bolts, other times it looks like weird reverse-direction gradients. Anything hit by them and this field gets fucking owned on a subatomic level, literally ripping the thing apart by bombarding them with the pure form of awesome. This is seriously how they work.

Good Rating: 11
Cool Rating: 11
Rad Rating: 11
Combined Score: 33/10. Unbelievable! 

 

RELIC BLADES:

Sword of Davion Space Marine Vanguard Veteran Squad Sergeant

EVEN COOLER! Painted by Tyler “Coda” Moore

Ok, so you know POWER SWORDS? Imagine that but with even more POWER and SWORD. Incredible. I don’t know how they could top Power Swords but yet here we are. They are also really FANCY. These swords are used by Jump Pack marines which are the coolest space marines ever. They are cool in part, because of the Relic Blade.

Good Rating: 12
Cool Rating: 12
Rad Rating: 12
FANCY Rating: 11
Combined Score: 47/10. Amazing

 

GAUNT’S COOL SWORD WHOSE NAME I CANT SPELL

He went from Chainsword to Power Sword. Smart choice. Credit: Games Workshop

Gaunt is badass. His Power Sword? EVEN more BADASS. It can sense attacks from Chaos people and that makes Gaunt like a Jedi but cooler because he has a nice HAT. One downside is that not one ever has been able to spell its name. It’s literally impossible don’t even try or @ me like you can.

Good Rating: 13
Cool Rating: 13
Rad Rating: 13
Hat Rating: 14
Combined Score: 53/10. GHOSTS

 

Chainswords

Space Marine Assault Marines

Rad. Also cool. Painted by Tyler “Coda” Moore

I totally didn’t forget about this. Imagine if you will a Chainsaw but you made it into something INFINITELY COOLER, a SWORD. Mindblowing, it’s a sword you can rev like a v8!

Good Rating: 10
Cool Rating: 11
Rad Rating: 10
INFINITE COOLNESS: 2

Combined Score: 32/10. RIP AND TEAR

 

The Black Sword

The Emperor's Champion

The Emperor’s Champion. Credit: SRM

 

Sigismund, fellow noted sword appericator, has the coolest and raddest sword ever. He is also like the best space marine fighter ever, mostly because he realised the inherent cool and goodness of Swords and undeniable radness of Power Swords. Note that Kharn, who uses an Axe, isn’t as cool or as good as him which why his side lost the Horus Heresy. FACT.

The Black Sword is especially cool because it is made of sick black metal. Also it has a insane Killed Chaos Champions to Not Killed Wielders Of The Black Sword ratio. You can’t fight that kind of math. Well actually if you have the Black Sword you probably could as you would ACCEPT ANY CHALLENGE, NO MATTER THE ODDS.

Also Abaddon got totally owned by this sword, so much so that he doesn’t want to talk about it, ever. Seriously he had to send it back to the high lords with a note that said “please stop owning me with this it really hurts guys.”

Good Rating: 100
Cool Rating: 100
Rad Rating: 100
Abaddon Owned Rating: 300

Combined Score: 600/10. Best Thing Ever

 

The Dawnblade

Dawnblade and Farsight. Credit: Games Workshop.

Farsight is the only Tau that has ever picked up a sword. Once he did this he realised that the ethereals, noted sword not likers, were bad. This is what really caused the Farsight revolution, a cool sword.

This makes him the only cool Tau. All other Tau are camel-footed garbage people.

Good Rating: 10
Cool Rating: 10
Rad Rating: 10

Combined Score: 30/10. Fix Tau by putting more swords in the army please Games workshop. 

 

Power Swords, Again:

Black Templar Lieutenant with Power Fist and Power Sword

Note that this guy, who already had a power fist, felt like he needed a cooler weapon. So he got the coolest weapon, a POWER SWORD. Credit: Alfredo Ramirez

You may note that CHAINSWORDS got rated 33 as well, this is obviously wrong as they can’t be better that POWER SWORDS. I’m updating the rating to reflect this. Bullet dodged.

Good Rating: 11
Cool Rating: 11
Rad Rating: 12
Combined Score: 34/10. Undeniably Rad! 

 

Abaddon’s Deamon Sword. Drew’Ken or whatevs.

Abaddon the Despoiler by Craig "MasterSlowPoke" Sniffen

Sigismund would have totally owned the Imperium in one black crusade. This is because he has a cooler sword than Abaddon. By Craig “MasterSlowPoke” Sniffen

As we previously covered, Abaddon is a chump. The sword he has is cool I guess.

Good Rating: 11
Cool Rating: 11
Literally A Demon That Realised Being A Sword Would Be The Coolest Thing Ever: 13
Black Crusades Lost Rating: -13
Combined Score: 22/10. Abaddon is a talented and bright student that needs to pay more attention in class and apply himself to study. He participates well in classroom discussions and group work. C+ Try harder next year. 

 

The Big Chainsword The Imperial Knight Has

HUGE. Credit: Tyler “Coda” Moore

Ok, so you have a chainsword. A solid 33 out of 10 rating. Very good. What if you made that really BIG and put it on a GIANT robot. Brilliant work.

Good Rating: 11
Cool Rating: 11
Big Rating: 11
Robot Rating: 11
Combined Score: 44/10. HUGE

 

The Even Bigger Sword That The Cerastus Knight Castigator Has

Cerastus Knight-Castigator

NEEDS TO BE BIGGER. Credit: That Gobbo

“Is this sword too big Coda?”, you say.

“WRONG” I say to you. This sword is TOO SMALL. Very good effort though. Also it’s a big power sword, which immediately makes it better than the big knight chainsword.

Good Rating: 11
Cool Rating: 11
Big Rating: -11
Robot Rating: 22
P-P-Power Sword Bonus: 1
Combined Score: 45/10. COULD BE BIGGER!

Brick Sword

Blood Angels Captain with Thunder Hammer

NOT A SWORD >:(  Credit: Jack Hunter

The handle is too long and they aren’t sharp or anything. Seriously it’s just a stick with a bit of lego on it. Very bad swords. You should take two handed big swords and put them on your space marines instead. I’ve been told that people call these things thunder hammers or something which is lame. Call them THUNDER SWORDS instead and you would really have something cool and good.

Good Rating: -11
Cool Rating: -11
Combined Score: -22. Remove from game, replace with big swords. For the meanwhile do what the Pros do and proxy big swords as them. 

 

Aurum, The Sword Talos From The Night Lords Trilogy Has

A cool sword. Also Talos, I guess. Credit: Games Swordshop.

Talos is a night lord that did the cool crime of theft from the upper class. He totally snaked this rad sword from a blood angel, seizing the literally gold blade it for the proletariat. Seriously Talos is like the Che Guevara of ham fiction now, laying down traps for the Blood Angel upper class. He also told Abaddon to go away and git gud. I suspect he got away with this as Abaddon wisely realised that Talos had a cooler sword than him and would therefore totally win in a fight. Which is how fights work btw. Whoever has the coolest sword wins.

Good Rating: 11
Cool Rating: 11
Stolen From The Upper Class: 11
Gold Rating: 12
Combined Score: 45/10. DID I MENTION THAT ITS GOLD?!

 

The Sword Of Secrets

It says a lot that we have a million Dark Angel writers but not a single one of them has uploaded a Azzy boi to our image library. Which they should do because his sword *owns*. Credit: Games Workshop

This sword has the POWERFUL ability to make Dark Angels ACTUALLY COOL. That’s all I feel I need to write, seriously how can you top that?

Good Rating: 12
Cool Rating: 12
Secrets Rating: 14
Combined Score: 38. THAT ROCKS.

 

The Lion Sword

They are the best legion. They are even numbered “1”, which under the ‘If you’re not first, your last’ method means they won being a space marine. Credit: Games Workshop.

This is like the Sword of Secrets but bigger and wielded by THE LION, who is the best primarch. It’s so powerful that he swung it once and cracked his home world in HALF. Like seriously that’s what went down. This sheer awesome of this allowed him to change his marine’s legion armour colour to the most powerful colour, GREEN.

Good Rating: 12
Cool Rating: 12
Makes Marines Have Green Armour Rating: 100
PLANETS DESTROYED Rating: 1
Combined Score: 125. So good that it broke in half into TWO swords.

 

The White Sword Of Davion

Space Marine Swords of Davion Chapter Master Tiberius Rex

Painted by Tyler “Coda” Moore

This is the best sword because I, Coda, came up with it. It’s totally not based off the excalibur legend at all, like shut up guys you don’t know my dude’s cool and good backstory ok.

Cool: 100
Good: 100
Coda: 1
Combined Score: 201. The highest yet. AMAZING. 

 

Anyway now that we have found the coolest and goodest sword, we can move on to other topics on this special day.

You think you have a cooler or gooder sword, please get in touch with us and tell us so I can tell you that you are WRONG. You can do this by commenting on this article or shoot us an email at contact@goonhammer.com . Also you can find us on the Goonhammer Facebook page, or tag us on Twitter or hit something with the #goonhammer tag.

As for me you can find me:

Twitter – Where I post models and like things!
Insta – Where I forget to post models and sometimes like things
Twitch – Where I stream painting models and make a fool of myself for fun.

 

 

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.