G’day Goonhammer readers! Here at Goonhammer we are talking all things Mechs and Kings of War has its fair share of mechanical monstrosities. They range from vast lumbering weapons platforms that plough through enemy infantry, to snug battlesuits that enhance the pilot’s combat prowess. We rank the top five in the Mantic Kings of War range to help you, the reader, in your next mech-based dilemma.
In order to fight monsters, we created monsters of our own
There are many qualities of a good mech, we have based our ranking system on criteria presented in the seminal work, Pacific Rim (2013). For those not familiar with Guillermo del Toro’s love-letter to mechs, Pacific Rim chronicles the battle between human-piloted mechs known as Jaegers and titanic, otherworldly monsters referred to as Kaiju.
Based on the Jaegers of Pacific Rim, a solid battle-ready mech requires the following attributes:
- Fire power: whether getting in those early shots on an incoming monster, or finishing one off at close range, fire power is essential to ensure a mech can project threat at all times.
- Strength: when guns fail, the strength of (mechanical) arms (or hoof) will see the mech through to the next dawn.
- Armour: mechs need to be able to take hits, thus must have a defense to match the offense of the enemy. It should come as no surprise that at least all of the contenders listed are supremely tough.
- Style: the single most important attribute of a mech. It could be the decals on its side, or how the shape of the head has some anthropomorphic resemblance.
5. Steel Juggernaut
This mechanized battlesuit fits a single Dwarf like a beard to a tankard of ale. Not only does it enhance all the combat capabilities of the wearer, but bolsters stubbornness to maximum levels. Expect these to be a pain in the backside.
Fire power: Miniaturized dwarven cannons put out a mean barrage that is almost as lethal as the real thing. However the pilots are mildly inaccurate. 6/10
Strength: Steam-powered dwarven technology makes this bearded beasty as strong as a troll. Definitely can put the hurt on a kaiju, but unlikely to kill one single-handedly. 5/10
Armour: Despite the small size, Steel Juggernauts are as durable as all the other mechs of Kings of War. The dwarf inside on the other hand can only handle so much. 3/10
Style: It’s a dwarf in an exosuit. Could be cooler, but it does what it says on the tin (steel). 5/10
4. Greater Earth Elemental (Craggoth & Kholearm)
Although not strictly a mech in that there is no physical pilot within the Greater Earth Elemental, it is in every other regard a mech. In this case, the pilot (Kholearm) has imbued it with artificial intelligence (RockGPT), so that they may navigate the battlefield relatively autonomously.
Fire power: As much as it should be able to throw rocks, it cannot, perhaps because that would be some kind of affront to its own kind. Instead its ‘pilot’ shoots fireballs which at least keeps the rabble at bay. 2/10
Strength: Very few can withstand this literal avalanche, if it hits. Unfortunately, there’s equal likelihood of demolishing kaiju as there is of harmlessly flailing in the wind. 7/10
Armour: Literally made of rocks and fearless to boot, it’s about as indestructible as a mountain. A crack in those crystals will make it sad. 6/10
Style: An assembly of boulders resembling a disgruntled gorilla is undeniably cool. The crystals are perfect points for splash colour and contrast. A true mech would have the Kholearm inside it, though. 6/10
The hell-fire fueled, obsidian beast that is the Hellfane sits somewhere between being a mech and being a kaiju itself. It’s a good(?) thing that there are some trusty Abyssal Dwarfs controlling it or might be laying waste to New York.
Fire power: Catching a free ride, a couple of cowboy Abyssal Dwarfs have a brace of pistols. Good for annoying monsters. 4/10
Strength: When charging full-speed, the Hellfane can flatten almost anything. Yet owing most likely to the limited movement capabilities of the head, it is better for plowing through infantry rather than single combat with another titan. 8/10
Armour: Only the upper echelons of monsters and weaponry can threaten a Hellfane. Being made of molten rock, however, may make it vulnerable to shattering upon cooling. Need to watch out for ice kaiju (Hrimm). 6/10
Style: A demonic, fiery rhino, with a golden shrine atop its back, and decorated in skulls. This is one badass looking monster. 9/10
2. Iron Beast (Pride of the Shires)
A great iron pig ready to charge and gun down all opposition (while also flipping pancakes!). It even comes with two pilots, just like a good Jaeger should. Less of a neural handshake, and more of a gastronomical understanding.
Fire power: There’s a proper gun on this, but it’s mostly to soften up the target before getting to grips with the enemy. 4/10
Strength: Not quite as effective as a Kaiju killer as others on this list, but if you end up under those feet or in front of the tusks, you’re still in for a bad time. 5/10
Armour: This is where the big pig shines. Loads of plate armor and a reinforced pig head, nothings getting through this bad boy anytime soon! Though some points were deducted because they strapped a kitchen on top of a (presumably) empty wine barrel. 7/10
Style: The ideal Mech body type. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like. Two stumpy blokes cooking breakfast on the back of a giant metal pig as it stomps through its enemies. 11/10
1. Steel Behemoth (Golloch’s Fury)
If chaotic evil had a spirit animal, it would be the goat, and the Imperial Dwarfs crafted a mechanized steel goat in what is known as the Steel Behemoth, most famous of which is Golloch’s Fury. And everyone can agree, Golloch’s Fury is truly the G.O.A.T. of all Kings of War mechs.
Fire power: Golloch’s gun is the gatling gun unleashed in The Last Samurai (2004), but filled instead with bullets the size of mangoes. No titan can withstand such a barrage for long. 9/10
Strength: The goat is unpredictable, but unlike the sheep’s cousin, the Steel Behemoth can gore the mightiest monsters, and grind them to a grisly paste. It could also miss and look quite silly, like a goat. 8/10
Armour: Everything is made of 12 inch thick steel; the legs, the head, the body. So why do the Dwarfs insist on riding on it without a roof and the live ammunition just sitting there? When they finally put a bunker on this thing then it will be unstoppable. 8/10
Style: It’s a mechanized goat. It has a no frills attitude. It might not be as perfect as the Iron Beast, but it doesn’t need to be. You can criticize all you want but it will still be there by Turn 6. 8/10
Today we are canceling the apocalypse
This exhaustive analysis of Pannithor’s mechanized monstrosities reveals a commonality among them that is not entirely unexpected; the small peoples of Pannithor definitely have issues. To be fair though, the rest of the denizens of Pannithor aren’t exactly the most hospitable. So, if you’re a dwarf or halfling, rest a bit easier knowing that the very best in mechanical combat technology is keeping you and all you know safe.