Your Warlord Sucks

An article by and    Humor        0

Hello again everyone! And welcome back to another article of “jokes” by Robert “TheChirurgeon” Jones and Greg “ANAmal.net” Chiasson, the Stupidest and Worst writers on this hellsite, respectively. We’re once again Back On Our Bullshit and this time we’re diving deep into the galaxy’s biggest assholes in a multi-part segment we’re calling “Your Warlord Sucks.”

Kayvaan Shrike

Kayvaan Shrike

TheChirurgeon: How could we possibly not start with this Hot Topic Goth Clown?

ANAmal.net: I hate literally everything about this model except for that extremely cool hair cut, which I unironically adore.

TheChirurgeon: Every time I look at this model Simple Plan’s “How Could This Happen to Me” plays in my mind. Or in real life. I’m not sure which.

ANAmal.net: Homeboy has strong “was somehow raised by two step-parents” energy.

ANAmal.net: I spent enough time in goth clubs in my day to know that a guy in all black with a gas mask on isn’t even trying all that hard, but Kevin Shrek bringing a gun to the club is over the line.

TheChirurgeon: That outstretched claw hand boldly says “come with me if you want to join the Black Parade”.

ANAmal.net: The little claw heels on his Power Doc Martens say it’s party time, but the Xs that I’m sure are on the back of his power fists say it’s going to be a soda-and-vegan-food night. (Corrode: AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!)

TheChirurgeon: That haircut definitely says that any party he’s at will be over by 9pm when his stepmom comes to pick him up in the family Subaru.

ANAmal.net: He looks like he’s not quite cool enough to attend anime cons, and can’t be outside long enough to go to a Renaissance Faire, but he’s a regular at his local Medieval Times.

TheChirurgeon: Replace that gun with a big turkey leg for modeling accuracy.

ANAmal.net: Just covered in bird feathers, which a) is a Dark Angels thing, step the fuck off kiddo, and b) I’m sure this idiot has a whole spiel about how it symbolizes freedom but also death, that he’ll be happy to mumble through if you ask him about it. He probably smells like the locker room at a wrestling ring in a graveyard.

TheChirurgeon: Let’s never forget that this guy comes from the legion marked by subtlety, which is why their primarch was named “Raven Raven” and then fucked off to the Eye of Terror while leaving behind a note that just had “Nevermore” scribbled on it.

ANAmal.net: Umbrella Academy ass chapter. Shrike looks like the guy who got kicked out of Rammstein for not being a buff enough leather daddy.

TheChirurgeon: The Raven Guard lore is the most 10th-grade fanfic shit I’ve ever read.

Jain Zar

Jain Zar

ANAmal.net: Extremely disrespectful to do parkour moves on top of the ruins of your own dead-as-hell civilization, but go off Phoenix Lord.

TheChirurgeon: It’s probably OK if you do it while screaming, though.

ANAmal.net: Least-transportable model.

TheChirurgeon: She’s definitely giving the Yncarne a run for their money in that department. She needs more rad flames and bits of Eldar ruins being torn up around her, though.

ANAmal.net: I, much like Games Workshop, had forgotten about the Yncarne, and Ynnari in general.

TheChirurgeon: I’m sure they’ll get some new bullshit rules in Psychic Awakening (Editor’s Note: We clearly wrote this part before Phoenix Rising was released, and: lmao). Eldar are never far from being egregiously overpowered.

ANAmal.net: I wish this thing was Finecast, just so I could see it melt in a hot car.

TheChirurgeon: If it was Finecast it would have already bent over sideways from its own weight.

ANAmal.net: Wait, no. It should be a plastic body, Finecast for the ponytail that she stands on, and a metal spear, just as revenge for letting these clowns get Hemlocks and Crimson Hunter Exarchs.

Drazhar

Drazhar

ANAmal.net: My least-favorite thing about the new Heroes Standing On Shit aesthetic that GW has q         isn’t that you have to keep the base in order to avoid accusations of “mOdElInG fOr AdVaNtAgE”, it’s that it validates every Golden Daemon entrant that’s ever been submitted on top of a six-inch plinth.

TheChirurgeon: You know, I was always bothered by the submissions that had like, an extremely well-painted Space Marine Veteran Sergeant standing on like, 3 inches of rocks and skulls mounted on a 12″ wooden trophy stand with a big plaque that says “THE IMPERIAL TRUTH” or some shit. Those always felt like they had the exact same energy as putting your book report in a plastic cover you got from Kinko’s.

ANAmal.net: It was always some hilariously overwrought title. It’d be like a Genestealer clawing up some Blood Angels in a Space Hulk, and the plaque would say “FROM THE UMBRA THEY CAME” or “TACTICAL MIND: THE GENIUS WARS”.

TheChirurgeon: Prose so purple and tortured it should be perched on top of some rubble with a pair of lightning claws.

ANAmal.net: All kidding aside, this model fucking slaps, and I give him points for embodying the Dark Eldar ethos of being the 40k equivalent of the Joker.

TheChirurgeon: I love the Dark Eldar aesthetic of smashing soul stones after they kill Eldar. It’s just such an incredibly petty thing to do. Like you kill them and then just to be spiteful, you damn their souls to be eaten by the god of murdersex.

ANAmal.net: Getting ruddy on a bed of busted-up soulstones is the most Dark Eldar thing there is.

TheChirurgeon: You know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of that scene in Highlander when the Kurgan goes into the church and puts out all the prayer candles people lit just to be a dick. Dark Eldar have the exact same energy and it rips.

ANAmal.net: They’re legitimately punk rock, just blowing rails in the bathroom so they can get amped up enough to start a random street brawl. I’m surprised this guy’s melee weapon isn’t a padlock on the end of a chain.

TheChirurgeon: I can absolutely picture this guy in a pair of chucks.

Ragnar Blackmane

Ragnar Blackmane

TheChirurgeon: Tiny dipshit energy.

ANAmal.net: Look at the size of his gargantuan dome, and then those tiny pouches on his leg. Each one holds like, a single bolt shell, or half of one Advil sized for his macrocephaletic-ass migraines.

TheChirurgeon: This guy has the dubious honor of being the oldest active 40k model. Like Space Wolves were the first ever Codex back in 2nd edition, and this guy was in it. Hell, he was in the color pages of the 2nd edition rulebook, that’s how old this fuckin’ model is. This model is old enough to marry your mom and have a conversation with you about how it’s “not trying to replace your dad, kiddo”.

ANAmal.net: I don’t think I ever noticed it before, but he has little platform boots. Tom Cruise looking-ass Wolf Lord, gotta put on his lifts before he goes out.

TheChirurgeon: The platforms have little wolf nails on them too. That’s adorable. Now I can’t imagine this dude sounding like anything other than Snagglepuss.

ANAmal.net: I was picturing more of a Scrappy-Doo thing, because I’m getting powerful Short Guy Whomst Picks Fights vibes, but Snagglepuss works too.

TheChirurgeon: I can totally see the Scrappy-Doo energy, especially when he’s up against bigger, meaner plastic Chaos Marines that sit a head and a half taller. Just holding this guy back by his big dome while he swings his chainsword ineffectively under their arm.

ANAmal.net: Picking him up by his topknot while he kicks his little legs in the air and waves his arms like the world’s oldest toddler, which he is.

TheChirurgeon: Classic second edition posing of “we need this guy to sit flat in a metal mould, so let’s model him holding his weapons out perfectly to the side, parallel to his body.”

ANAmal.net: Exhibits an almost heretical lack of skull adornment, though you can’t say the Chapter’s Artisan Dog-Welders didn’t do some of their best work here. Also his gun has a cute little pom-pom on it!

Roboute Guilliman

Roboute Guilliman

ANAmal.net: CAME THROUGH DRIPPIN’.

TheChirurgeon: Having painted the head on this dude for my own Guilliman conversion, I can safely say that his stupid Glen Close-looking dome is primarily the result of an incredibly unfortunate GW studio paintjob that tried to cram in too much detail. A rare miss.

ANAmal.net: I actually have one of these models, because I wanted the new Cypher, and at the time you could only get him in a set with Guilliman and the Grey Knight dude. I’ve never even considered painting him. Literally bought a Primarch because he was extra trash in a box, and I took one look at this goober and was like “eh, nevermind”.

TheChirurgeon: Well he’s a very powerful model on the table, so it totally scans that you’d ignore him in favor of the shitty character that only works in the game’s worst subfaction with the smallest amount of working rules.

ANAmal.net: You have to feel bad for Guilliman. He has to deal with being in charge of a newly superstitious and crumbling Imperium that turned into the exact thing he never wanted it to be, then Cadia blows up and the Cicatrix Maledictum makes everything immediately worse. Chaos is ascendant, Orks and Eldar are all over the place, the Hive Fleets aren’t going away, and on top of all that, worse than any of it, he wakes up from a long coma and has been given absolutely the galaxy’s dweebiest possible haircut. You hate to see it.

TheChirurgeon: Whatever, man. Like half the primarchs shaved their heads. Nothing’s stopping grandpa fucko here from doing it.

Tor Garadon

Tor Garadon

TheChirurgeon: This fuckin haircut. If the haircut on Shrike screams “My bitch stepmom will pick me up from the mall at 5”, this is a haircut that communicates equally clearly “you will find a Blue Lives Matter bumper sticker on the back of my Ford F650”.

ANAmal.net: This guy for sure has kids that don’t talk to him anymore, after he blew up about building border walls around the Imperium at Sanguinala one year.

TheChirurgeon: This dude definitely has season tickets to the St. Louis Cardinals.

ANAmal.net: You will never convince me that this guy doesn’t slam cheap beers while yelling at the TV every night – and not in a cool way, in a sad way where he has a fucked-up old recliner that no one else is allowed to sit in.

TheChirurgeon: This dude definitely spends Thanksgiving posting on Twitter about eating sardine sandwiches alone because his kids won’t talk to him ever since he tried telling them the truth about Q.

ANAmal.net: He absolutely golfs every weekend, and he wears the powerfist while he does it. Just punches the ball into shrapnel every time and then lies about where it landed.

TheChirurgeon: This dude is notable for having the only American voice actor in a Games Workshop game.

ANAmal.net: Homeboy is incredibly American, but what part of America? I think everyone’s going to make a strong case for the Deep South, but I think of him more as the type of dipshit that would run a Jet Ski dealership in a land-locked state.

TheChirurgeon: Chet Fisto here strikes me as head of sales for a local promotional swag company. He was a bigshit deal in high school baseball and now talks about how he turned that experience into running a great sales team for Iowa’s third-largest corporate marketing promotional gear supplier.

ANAmal.net: Mungo Thumbman here, for Thumbman Collectibles, your number one supplier of lacrosse trophies and lacrosse trophy accessories.

Iron Father Feirros

Iron Father Feirros

TheChirurgeon: I miss when characters could just have a gun and not be like, fightmans who also have a gun tacked onto their bullshit somewhere. Like remember Maugan Ra? That dude’s got a gun and it works kind of as a weapon but he’s not tryna do two things.

ANAmal.net: The shoulder-mounted gun is a neat look, but the Imperial Fists already stole this dude’s idea. That axe is fully sick though, I love the railroad spike on the end.

TheChirurgeon: Every time I look at this guy his face mask makes me think he’s got a big walrus mustache, and when I realize it’s a rebreather it makes me angry. Dude would have been bad-ass with a big mustache.

ANAmal.net: Dangerously close to some top-hat-and-monocle bullshit with that one, my dude.

TheChirurgeon: tips hat M’Dreadnought.

ANAmal.net: I bet he’s a hoot at children’s parties. Dude has his own built-in claw game, and I’m sure at least one of those other arms can inflate a master-crafted bouncy castle in no time.

TheChirurgeon: Grandpa Ironsides here getting retrofitted at Party City with the “funhouse” package. That heavy bolter is totally a T-shirt cannon.

ANAmal.net: Old Sixteen Tons out here rifling high-velocity T-shirt rounds into the crowd and just obliterating a happy couple, turning the Kiss Cam into a snuff film.

There are no more Warlords.

Ah shit, we ran out of warlords. Weird how even though we looked at 38,000 years of fake history we couldn’t think of any more characters that exist, and definitely there aren’t any named Dark Angels or Chaos Space Marines with models. It must be because they suck so friggin’ bad and never did anything important. If you can think of anyone we missed, or disagree with our opinion that any of these yabbos look like dorks, do not email us at contact@goonhammer.com, and especially don’t find us on Facebook to yell about Dante’s old dusty ass. Twitter is probably the best way to not reach us, since no one checks that.

 

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