G’day Goonhammer readers! A year ago exactly, we identified the Top 5 Santas in the world of Pannithor. At the time we thought this might be some brief eggnog-induced episode of writer’s delirium, yet once again we feel compelled to find the Christmas spirit in Kings of War – this time with the classic sleigh.
There are many modes of transport in Pannithor, all of them bearing qualities that resemble the typical sleigh that carries a certain maniacally jolly deity. In order to rank these scientifically and accurately, we have developed another peer-reviewed system known as GASY (patent-pending). Using these metrics, all methods of conveyance in Kings of War can be assessed for their holiday-based applicability.
The GASY System
After a decade of research (that’s rounding up from 30 minutes to the nearest decade), the following variables are key to the sleigh identity:
- Generosity: Does it get into the spirit of giving?
- Airborne: Can it actually fly?
- Sleigh-ness: Is it actually a Sleigh or at least Sleigh adjacent?
- Yuletide Joy: How Christmas-sy does it feel?
Only in the strict consideration of these variables can we deduce which means of Pannithorian transport are closest to the classic sleigh.
Contenders for the Sleigh
There are many chariots and mounted beings throughout Pannithor, but only five could be chosen. Two honourable mentions go to the Goblin Winggit and the Halfling Aeronauts, which were purely disqualified based on their contention in the aforementioned Top 5 Santas ranking. We are not ones to completely recycle old material.
Now, onto the rankings!
Twilight Kin Void-Skiff
The Void-Skiffs are the eerie ships found among Twilight Kin forces. They regularly ply the Void, searching for lost secrets. Twilight Kin are probably the most lacking in Christmas cheer, but despite that they still grin from ear to ear, especially when using their favourite knife.
- Generosity: While they may shower you with harpoons (for free!), they actually keep most of the special rules to themselves. Brutal, Elite (Melee), Fly, Nimble, Thunderous Charge, plus two of the three Twilight Kin subfactions; save some for the rest of us! 3/10
- Airborne: Up there at the top of the class due it actually being able to fly, unlike most of the other challengers. Not quite full points though, as it’s more levitating rather than soaring, but that’s still good. 8/10
- Sleigh-ness: Solid points in Sleigh-ness too, as it actually resembles a sleigh. Points deducted though as it’s not actually pulled by a flying animal, instead cruising along on by the power of the void. 6/10
- Yuletide Joy: Yea, this has got to be bottom marks here. The Void is not known for its pleasant holly or jolly-ness, rather its corrupting power and the horrific mutations it causes. Not a pleasant holiday spot. In fact, it’s probably the worst spot to be. -2/10
GASY Score: 4 out of 10 Void Baubles
Empire of Dust Revenant Chariot
The Ahmunites have been using chariots for millenia, which is about as old as the Yuletide traditions. While the modern holiday imagery depicts a sleigh, Pannithorian historians debate whether the chariot was the original mode of transport for Sa’n’tah when delivering embalming fluid to the needy.
- Generosity: Much of the wealth of the Empire of Dust is used to pimp these rides. The only thing they’re giving out is the blinding light reflecting off of their gold-plated rims. Also, their bows are called Cursebows. That’s not something you want for Christmas. 1/10
- Airborne: These guys aren’t made for flying, and they don’t even look like they can do a sick jump off a ramp. Bottom of the class here. 0/10
- Sleigh-ness: Sleigh shaped and pulled by a magical, albeit undead, horse. It’s not quite a reindeer, but it’s as close as we get in Pannithor. 10/10
- Yuletide Joy: Skeletons are a bit too spooky for Christmas. They are more often associated with Halloween than Christmas, but they can have a couple of points given here, just for the association with “A Nightmare Before Christmas”. 4/10
GASY Score: 5 out of 10 Holiday Urns
Orc Fight Wagons
The Fight Wagon represents supreme Orc ingenuity. Orcs love to fight, and putting them right at the front of a speeding, open wagon is the best way to do it. Could such technology also be translated to the distribution of holiday joy?
- Generosity: Even in Panithor, Orcs’s love a fight, and now they’re sharing it with you! How kind! Just like that aunt that always gets you the wrong thing. Of all our contenders, they have the least special rules, so we’ll give them a couple points for sharing with the rest of the Orcs. 4/10
- Airborne: While not designed to fly, these guys know that doesn’t matter. They’re going to be rocking their wagons down at the local BMX track and setting new records for being flung the furthest when their wagon comes off a jump and shatters. More points for spirit than practicality. 7/10
- Sleigh-ness: The fight wagon is what you get when designing a sleigh backwards. Little beasties pushing it forward. Practical? No. Cool? Yes! Taking the traditional design and flipping it on its head. 6/10
- Yuletide Joy: Not a lot of joy here (it’s in the name, “Fight Wagon”), but it might still be representative of family get-togethers over the season, especially after a few to many Christmas beers, or Eggnog if you’re in the Northern Hemisphere (that’s what you guys drink, right?). 3/10
GASY Score: 6 out of 10 Ax in the Stocking
Ogre Boomer Chariots
The Ogres are professionals in all things, including the open use of firearms on a vehicle whose movement is dictated by a pair of ill-tempered beasts. Is it some form of the Christmas spirit keeping them from harm? Perhaps!
- Generosity: The only ones here who actually help out their buddies on the tabletop. Their thick cloud of vape smoke (read: Blunderbuss) gives out a nice stealthy aura. They’re such good guys. 8/10
- Airborne: Like the Orcs, there’s no flying here. Unlike the Orcs, there’s also no BMX vibes. Too much reliance on sturdy construction to even dream of going off a slight incline, let alone doing a sick kick-flip and grinding down a rail. 0/10
- Sleigh-ness: We’re back to magical animals pulling a sleigh. This time it’s Mawpups, so not even an Ungulate, so a few points have to be docked here. 6/10
- Yuletide Joy: We all know that Ogres as a faction were inspired by the only Christmas movie that matters, “Shrek the Halls”. What could possibly bring more joy than that? 12/10
GASY Score: 7 out of 10 Layers on the Onion
Northern Alliance Frostclaw Riders
The leader of the Northern Alliance, Talannar, is guarding something secret, something the forces of the Void covet. Most likely it’s Santa’s workshop, and the Twilight Kin just can’t wait for their new “toys”. That’s why the Frostclaw Riders have made their appearance, not only to bolster the ailing Northern Alliance forces, but also to get these presents to as many as possible!
- Generosity: Frostclaws literally give out Christmas cheer, so long as you consider the aforementioned cheer to be the Frozen special rule. Whether in combat or at range, Frostclaws happily distribute cheer to all. 9/10
- Airborne: Finally, a contender that actually soars in the skies above Panithor. None of the mucking about on the ground like a pleb. Only the most majestic of Dwarves gets to experience the joys of real flight on one of these bad boys. 10/10
- Sleigh-ness: The complete lack of sleigh is a disappointment, to be sure. At best, the saddle-platform could be considered sleigh-lite, but we just can’t see any capacity for bigger presents, such as little Sarah’s mountain bike. 0/10
- Yuletide Joy: Despite the lack of sleigh, the Dwarf rider bears considerable resemblance to the great demigod of the holiday season, Santa, who is a known user of sleighs. 9/10
GASY Score: 8 out of 10 Reduction in Movement Speed
The Sleighs of Pannithor
The exact mode of transport for gift distribution this holiday season is difficult to identify. Through clear reasoning and careful analyses, we think we have distinguished the most “sleigh-like” units from across the armies of Pannithor. So this Christmas eve be sure to listen for the clatter of Fight Wagons, the rumble of Revenant Chariots, the smell of gunpowder from Boomer Chariots, the flap of great Frostclaw wings, or the gibbering cackling of Void-skiffs. Who knows? Perhaps there will be one more sprue under the tree…
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