Your Preview Sucks: The Freshest of Takes on All the New Reveals

Hi everyone and welcome back to another edition of Your <THING> Sucks, where the worst and dumbest authors on this site lovingly(?) roast the shit out of whatever topical thing we think we can make up the most jokes about. With three GW online previews under our belts, there’s never been a more exciting time than now to bite the hand that feeds us and remind everyone that we should not be trusted with the ability to publish content on WordPress.

Also this time around we’ve asked for some help from Alice “RagnarokAngel” Lirette and the Badcast Badbois – Dan “SexCannon” Boyd and SRM – to join us on this dumb odyssey.

The Mountain Goats (Age of Sigmar)

Credit: Games Workshop

 

SRM: I feel like GW really took the wind out of our sails by advertising these as “Giant War Cows Made of Rock”, like where do you go from the Battle Cattle Made of Gravel?

Greg: It’s a fine sign that they designed the bovine to align with fault lines.

Dan: Much like Chik-Fil-A, these cows might as well be wearing sandwich boards that say, “Play a different army.”

TheChirurgeon: These models don’t work on Sundays. …or any other day of the week, it turns out.

Dan: Nothing really encapsulates the grace, beauty, and poise of High Elves like a big fuckin’ cow.

TheChirurgeon: The most majestic of animals

Greg: It’s like a truck, but made out of beef.

Dan: Ok, the cows are funny, whatever, but have you all seen the fuckin’ wannabe cow idiots?

Credit: Games Workshop

Dan: Ah, yes. Look at these fucking ridiculous shitheads. How do those hats even fucking stay on? One quick turn to either side and you know that shit’s flying off. Also, as a former Washington DC football team fan (former, goddamnit, so fuck off), all cowboys suck, and these cowboys suck the most. 

Greg: There is nothing I can say about these models that would be meaner than just showing this picture of them.

TheChirurgeon: This faction also peaked in the 90s

Greg: Cool things to put a set of big old horns on top of: Ghazkhull Thraka, 1960s Cadillacs. Not cool: [gestures wildly at whatever is happening here].

SRM: Amazing that the models with the highest horn:body ratio make me the least horny

Greg: Midsommar lookin’ ass models.

SRM: How do you even put on those cow hats, I’m picturing a circle of these dudes putting each other’s helmets on like a hair braiding circle

Dan: I literally cannot stop looking at these fucking losers. There haven’t been models this bad since…fucking never, I guess. Even Kid Rock hates these assholes.

TheChirurgeon: That’s because nothing about them helps him pander to people driving their F150s with “Blue Lives Matter” flags down to the statehouse to protest the lockdown.

RagnarokAngel: I feel like this is what would happen if you explained furcons to someone who has never heard of the subculture. And can’t sew. And doesn’t know anyone who does. And is working on a budget.

SRM: shakin my damn head that there aren’t smaller elf hats on top of the cow hats

 

Even Bigger Giants

Credit: Games Workshop

TheChirurgeon: Tag yourself. I’m the big fat idiot.

Greg: I’m the wrinkled up old piece of shit.

Dan: I’m the nautical-themed fatass.

SRM: ⅔ of the Rumour Engines I was excited about are invariably bits of tat nailed to this guy’s junk

RagnarokAngel: When there’s a sale at Savers and you just grab whatever is on the clearance rack.

 

Fabius Bile

Credit: Games Workshop

TheChirurgeon: At last, a model with a look that clearly says “I’m bored of this.” It will be the perfect model to bring to all my games against Greg.

Greg: Bile is honestly my favorite Chaosman. His whole Bit is being such a shithead that even other Heretics can’t stand him and just want him to go away, and I love it.

SRM: Big fan of the Hunchback of Scrotre Dame extracting the gland from the dead Marine.

TheChirurgeon: “Boss says we need a bunch of thyroids for his science experiments. Look, I don’t ask questions, I just rip the things out with this here doodad and collect my paycheck.”

Greg: ”You know what, I had a rough day at the Heresy factory, make it a double” – this guy, buying syringes full of acid after getting off work.

TheChirurgeon: You just know Bile is throwing bribes at local planetary governors to get his shambling henchmen reclassified as “essential workers” while Death Guard plagues ravage the Cadian system

Greg: Ten thousand nerds are about to go to bat for this idiot’s “pimp cane”, and none of them are gonna notice that motherfucker put his skin corset on backwards.

Dan: Nothing says “asshole” like a guy who uses a cane when he doesn’t need to use a cane. I can’t wait for ol’ Fabby to tell me about his steampunk electronica band.

SRM: It’s called Chap-hop, Dan, and I hate that I know that

Greg: Fabius “Thanks, it has pockets!” Bile.

SRM: I admire the restraint of not making ol’ Fabulous Bill into the spider guy from Wild Wild West.  

RagnarokAngel: Don’t give them ideas.

 

THE HOTBOYZ

Credit: Games Workshop

Greg: I’m convinced that the one idiot who’s engulfed in flames, it is absolutely not magical in nature, and it was not on purpose. He’s just the new guy on the warband and he can’t stop fucking up.

TheChirurgeon: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUCK – That guy, probably

SRM: Peek behind the kimono here: the filler text for everything in this article was “Sick Burn” and I’m tempted to leave it for the hot pants brigade here

Dan: This warband’s hot-blooded. Check it, and see.

Dan: Barefoot models sighted, the horndogs will love this group.

Greg: Eyy, welcome to da mortal realms. We gots all type of fire weapons for yous: molotov cocktails, gotcha molotov swords, ya molotov axes, even a molotov staff why not. 

TheChirurgeon: GW has been suspiciously ramping up the number of barefoot models being released, to the point where it no longer feels like a coincidence. Like some new sculptor was definitely brought on board and he’s slowly making the Warhammer universes his weird fetish playground.

Dan: Of all the GW conspiracy theories out there, this one, surprisingly, is the most believable.

SRM: Citadel Footcast

Greg: I genuinely don’t remember what game these guys are for. There are too many games.

 

Lion’El Johnson

Credit: Games Workshop

Greg: First Legion in our hearts, last Legion in Forge World’s production queue.

TheChirurgeon: This model is so good it almost makes me wish they’d saved the better primarchs for last so they could have had the benefit of an extra 10 years of sculpting experience put into them. Instead Fulgrim’s face is just gonna always be like that, huh

SRM: Fulgrim just has a song in his heart is all. Better make way for Lion’s johnson though, because this model absolutely fucks

Greg: Insanely worth the decade-long wait, coupled with extra waiting time due to this guy being announced immediately before they closed up shop for the foreseeable future, just to see a bunch of Night Lords utterly eat shit.

TheChirurgeon: Those aren’t real Night Lords. Real Night Lords would 100% not stick around to fight a fuckin primarch. They’d see the Rock coming their way and be like “fuck this” and peace out faster than Greg when we get a feature request for Buttscribe.

Greg: The most Night Lords thing is that they spent the entire Heresy getting their shit wrecked back and forth across most of the galaxy by the Dark Angels, and they still conclusively won that engagement.

Dan: It’s hard to make fun of a model this good, except that Dark Angels players 100% do not deserve it. Things that Dark Angels players deserve, an incomplete list:

  • Nothing, fuck them.

Greg: Well thank god there is no justice in this world and the worst people (Dark Angels) can get the best things (this Primarch model).

RagnarokAngel: He looks confused, like “what did you think a plasma gun was going to do to me you idiot?”

Greg: He should come with a variant arm, held up in the universal “are you serious with this, right now?” post, for maximum “You merely adopted the plasma. I was born in it” action.

 

Better Call Saul (Tarvitz)

Credit: Games Workshop

TheChirurgeon: Ten years into the Heresy, we finally get the most important character to the story, a checks notes… line officer who was killed immediately after the Emperor’s Children turned at the start of the Heresy. At least Ferrus Manus was a primarch.

Dan: I’ve read like the first 6 Heresy books, and I don’t remember this jamoke at all.

SRM: Strong Catachan Energy with this face

Greg: He looks like Fulgrim, as played by Danny DeVito.

SRM: Big fan of the community college production of The Primarchs

TheChirurgeon: I will say this: Forge World have stepped up their face game. Sadly, for Greg, their foot game is still nowhere as they frantically work on the technology to produce resin feet with the appropriate level of detail

SRM: Dude’s got tiny boots, I doubt he could even fit all posthuman ten toesie wosies in there

TheChirurgeon: Now we know that whoever the new foot sculptor person is, they’re only working on the GW side of the business

RagnarokAngel: The proportions are all off like someone got the X and Y axis confused when putting the height in.

Greg: Small marines are the weirdest thing to me now. I never thought they looked bad before, but now that Primaris marines are in my head as what marines are supposed to look like, I straight up can’t deal with these weird children and their stupid problems. Go get a juice box and cry it out, kiddo.

 

Illuminor Szeras

Credit: Games Workshpo

Greg: This model is bullshit, doesn’t even have feet.

RagnarokAngel: Don’t let close-mindedness limit you on what defines “feet”, Greg.

SRM: We’ve come a long way from the Ynncarne’s warp jizz to this newer, grimdarker soul jizz 

TheChirurgeon: This definitely suggests to me that we need to do another of these posts that’s just about the models getting owned on bases. Look at this poor idiot, just in a perpetual state of being Shang Tsung’d by a robot spider.

SRM: Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa voice YOUR JIZZ IS MINE!

Dan: Love to think that Szeras is just perpetually confused at what blood is. “What is this stuff?!” he asks, “It’s not even good lube! What the heck could it be?” 

Greg: Ahhhh fuck this four-armed idiot with this 45-foot warscythe is turning all my meat and stuff into an Orange Julius, this sucks ass.

RagnarokAngel: This is going to set my skincare regimen back at least 3 weeks.

TheChirurgeon: It’s way easier to care for your skin when it has all been conveniently placed in a jar for you.

 

Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau

Credit: Games Workshop

SRM: I really have to admire how willing modern GW is to just throw as much shit at the wall as possible and see what sticks

RagnarokAngel: The Kabalite Warrior armor looks so absurd on her. “This is smaller than the amazon page told me but I am NOT waiting for the turnaround to ship it back”.

Dan: Gang, this model has no boob plate, no flowing locks, and not a single exposed foot in sight. How the fuck am I supposed to get a boner?! How dare GW produce a female model that doesn’t get me sprung.

TheChirurgeon: If you don’t get sprung by this model’s strong Tilda Swinton energy, the problem is you, friend.

Greg: Goth Coteaz rules.

TheChirurgeon: This is the most weeb model I’ve ever seen, and we’re also reviewing that new Harlequin later in this article. At least Kyganil is an actual Eldar.

SRM: “As president of the Aeldari club (that’s ELDAR club for you mon-keigh in the audience, heh), I regret to inform you that I could only find the dubbed version of The Birth of Slaanesh.

TheChirurgeon: This lady definitely has strong feelings about the correct pronunciation of “anime”

Greg: There is no way this lady cares about anime. Manga, though, strong as hell opinions there.

Dan: It’s cool that she brought her own pokemon to the battle. I mean, cool for her. Not for anyone else. It’s really fucking stupid to the rest of us.

SRM: “By order of His Holy Inquisition, I declare thee ‘baka gaijin” 

TheChirurgeon: Everything about this model causes an immediate visceral reaction in me. Like it’s well-sculpted and I think it’s a fine model, but as soon as I look at it, the aesthetics cause me to feel an innate feeling that I need to immediately dunk this model in the toilet and give it a swirlie

Greg: Agreed, this model rules, mostly because it sucks so bad.

TheChirurgeon: The fuckin’ Nintendo Power Glove of models

 

Adeptus Titanicus: New Titan

 

 

 

TheChirurgeon: Haha whomp whomp eat shit, Condit

Greg: The best game that nobody plays. That no one important plays.

SRM: The exclusive models they revealed for House No-Show in their upcoming book, The Doom of Having Expectations Met really are something else, huh

RagnarokAngel: They’re going to reveal a new titan only to pull back and show it’s a full sized one, just to style on Titanicus players.

 

Ephrael Stern and Kyganil

Credit: Games Workshop

SRM: I’m just happy we can have a lady Goku and a “I can be ur angle or yuor devil” dude in the same set

TheChirurgeon: It is now clear to me why all Harlequins wear masks.

Greg: I want to get these just so I can swap the Sister’s head with the Harlequin, and swap his head directly with the nearest trash can.

Dan: He’s just pissed that all the other Harlequins are doing cool flips and shit, and his dumb ass is just strollin’ down some jpeg compression.

TheChirurgeon: Shame the textures for his base are still loading cause I bet once that shit finishes he’s gonna be standing on some incredibly rad hero rocks

SRM: In 2020, GW shifts from hero rocks to yutapon cubes

Greg: I had to look up a yutapon cube and I still don’t really know what it is, but I hate it already.

Dan: You’re the only person in existence who knows what that means. You fucking weeb.

RagnarokAngel: I think we’re all ignoring how the Sister model is escalating the “jumping off of rock” aesthetic modern GW loves. The day is going to come the box of skulls will get its companion piece, “Box of Rocks to Jump Off”.

TheChirurgeon: “That’s so stupid, hahaha” I say, pretending that I won’t buy a box of GAMES WORKSHOP BASING BRICKS and lovingly glue them on bases and sprinkle them all over my terrain. 

TheChirurgeon: Now I really hope GW isn’t reading this. Not because we’re dragging their models or whatever, but because I don’t need them to own me by selling me plastic bricks.

 

Warcry Dark Aelves Snake Lady

Credit: Games Workshop

Dan: Fuck yeah. Now I’m horny.

SRM: When did Cobra Commander get hot

TheChirurgeon: CURSSSSSSSSSE YOU SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIGMAR

Greg: Getting strong Aelven Wine Mom vibes from this lady. It’s either the earrings or the fact that she’s hovering on a chitinous snake tail, I’m not sure which.

RagnarokAngel: I’ve looked at this model multiple times and every time I notice something new about how bizarre that tail is set up. I’m getting Snake on my Nokia 3310 flashbacks and think inevitably she’ll disappear when she bumps into herself.

Greg: I am now fully invested in the WarCry Karens, a gang of brutal hand-to-hand fighters whose main abilities are getting the rules changed in their favor by speaking to Khorne’s manager, and getting honked up on chardonnay and tearing opponents limb from limb.

TheChirurgeon: I just noticed that this model has actual legs on it.

 

Blood Bowl Treemen

Credit: Games Workshop

SRM: That tiny football squirrel is gonna sell so many kits

TheChirurgeon: I know these have to be small enough to fit on Blood Bowl bases but it feels like calling them treemen is a stretch. These are extremely chonk lads.

Greg: Shrubmen.

RagnarokAngel: When “The Happening” was too subtle for you.

Robert “TheChirurgeon” Jones: Wow, we’ve come a long way from this quality bit of sculpting:

Greg: Ah cool I can pay GW 40 bucks to roll a Katamari through a model train store’s worth of terrain. Phenomenal. 

 

Sister Tariana Palos

Credit: Games Workshop

SRM: Finally, a $35 single sister with a bolter memorializing the digital-only Sisters codex from the worst edition of the game 

TheChirurgeon: Yeah but I am immediately windmill slamming my finger down on the MF “BUY” button to add this to my growing collection of $35 special edition regular-ass Sisters of Battle.

TheChirurgeon: Eventually every single Sisters of Battle painting, sketch, or margin doodle created before 2008 will have a $35 model version and I will buy all of them.

Greg: When they make a model of that dude burning to death under a wagon wheel in the background, I’ll buy it. In the meantime, this is another inferior 3D version of a 2D waifu.

RagnarokAngel: What is that flame even burning right now?

 

THE GREATEST MODELS OF ALL TIME

Credit: Games Workshop, whose sculpting hand was clearly guided by a divine touch

SRM: I told my wife how excited I was for those Snotlings and she told me my goblins were terrible and I immediately buried myself in the graveyard behind my house

TheChirurgeon: These are my special green children and I will defend them to the death.

Greg: DRILL YOUR MEGAPHONE BARRELS.

TheChirurgeon: I am going to paint that one with the pointy hat to look exactly like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia.

SRM: I am going to try to learn how to play Bloodbowl with these guys, and it’s going to be a coin-toss whether I am utterly discouraged or hopelessly in love after every last one of them dies before halftime

TheChirurgeon: For when you want your Blood Bowl experience to fall somewhere between “Super Meat Boy” and “trying to beat Dark Souls with a Guitar Hero controller”

Greg: I extremely identify with this, a team of weak and cowardly dipshits.

RagnarokAngel: I want to make fun of these but I just can’t. Let’s move on before I gush even more.

 

GREG’S SPECIAL RATING SECTION THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT WRITTEN BY ROB

Hotboyz foot

Greg: 350/10 hot sweaty feet

 

Giant feet

Greg: 8/10 not enough toes

 

Smoking Ladyelf feet

Greg: 100/10

 

Wrap-Up

Please Games Workshop, I beg you, stop releasing things. I haven’t seen my family in weeks. OK wait, that’s not true. I see them all the time now. But you get the idea.

Anyways, if you have any questions or comments, or you think we were too harsh about the stupid cow elves and want to voice your displeasure, walk to the front door of your house and holler your opinions into the empty streets, where the wind will surely carry your angry words to our ears. Or just email us at contact@goonhammer.com, I guess.

 

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