Warhammer Day Preview Hot Take: Model Ugly

I do not care for the new Adeptus Mechanicus guy. Get a load of this nerd.

I believe it is called a Syondian Skatros, which is a bad name. In Martian, Sydonian means “tall”, and “Skratos” is a typo for either the guy from God of War or the layer of the atmosphere that this idiot’s stupid head is occupying.

Credit: Warhammer Community

This model will be impossible to transport. If – IF – the big dumb legs don’t break off (and they will), the gun will, or the antennae. It will take up half of an army case by itself.

It’s probably going to cost like 45 points and sixty dollars, which isn’t new for Admech but isn’t exactly “good”. We know it has Stealth and Lone Operative, and so every single AdMech army is going to have three of them, because that’s an incredible utility piece for doing Activities for secondaries or standing on a circle for primaries. So, as a gaming piece, I can see the appeal. As a model, I hope someone throws the mold off a cliff. I am begging for a new Luddite movement to break into the Warhammer Factory and destroy the injection plastic machines – just the ones set up to produce Skratoses, I’m not a maniac – to prevent this nightmare from coming to pass. Make sure you put that in the newspaper, that I am not a maniac.

This inspector gadget lookin motherfucker needs to go away. Rev up your springy legs and go hop into the sea to fish for the car batteries you probably eat to survive.

This is what it looks like, which is to say it walks like a total asshole:

The only thing worse than this doofy piece of shit is that someone is probably already working on a third-party version to 3d print, and I guarantee you that the knock-off version will look even worse, probably have big bazongas, and will shatter even more easily.

Why does it have a tail? Why is there a muffler dangling down on the end of a dryer vent? Are you just going to make the shrug emoji with your little reloading arms and expect me to accept this? I will not.

This model sucks in the exact wrong way. Most of Warhammer sucks, and it also is stupid as hell, but it sucks and is stupid in a particular way that makes it cool. This is the opposite of that. 

He looks like a clown, a literal circus clown, wanging around on big stilts, always about to fall over. My brother in christ have you heard about “tripods”? Is the concept of physical stability utterly unknown to you? For god’s sake you already have guys with jet packs. Use one of those, dummy!

Credit: Warhammer Community

Look at how horrible that little robot face is. This is what happens when you try to bolt a Battlesuit together with a chunk of irradiated meat.

The gun looks cool, I guess. More models should have jezzails. Unfortunately if he ever drops it, it will be 20 feet away from all four of his tiny baby hands and some poor Skitari will have to throw it back up to him. He will not catch it. At best the Skitari will bonk themselves in the face with the gun stock on the way back down, at worst the big guy will fall ass over teakettle and bury themselves in the mud. 

Go play basketball, you big idiot. Stand in the paint, and try not to get tangled up in the net. Find a fucked-up chair that you can sit in, and put it in the corner, and think about what you have done. You’re gonna do it wrong but at least I won’t have to watch.